Summer flicks: To watch or not to watch?
Eric Jones
Issue date: 4/29/05 Section: Variety
As the gum on the cement gets sticky again, seatbelt buckles turn into branding irons, children keel over from heat exhaustion and mosquitoes remerge from their slumber to declare war on your face, at least you know that the Hollywood Mega Blockbuster Summer will be there to pick up the pieces.
This year's offering is sure to satisfy America's A-list celebrity thirst, as the industry is lobbing major motion picture deals at genres across the board.
On May 6, Orlando Bloom returns to the costume chair in Ridley Scott's epic 12th century motion picture, "Kingdom of Heaven." In this movie, Bloom will play a young warrior who discovers that he is the heir to the throne of France. Since this is Bloom's 423rd historical epic, he will try to refresh his role by shedding his supporting actor's skin and taking the lead, which means that his immeasurable range of sad puppy dog expressions will be in full effect with no leading star to filter out its tremendous power of somberness. Even the gallant throws of epic warfare cannot dissuade Bloom's ever growing power of sedation. Paying to see this film is the same as paying for a hard night's sleep. Pleasant dreams.
On May 19, George Lucas' series finally comes full circle and kicks him right in the pants. "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" promises so much digital jelly that it will ooze out your ears. However, there are light sabers involved which will undoubtedly make it the biggest movie of the year. I think that all movies should require the use of a light saber at some point. If Lindsay Lohan would carry one in the new Herby the Love Bug movie ("Herbie: Fully Loaded" opening June 24 for those interested) then I would be the first in line.
On June 10, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are a married couple who both happen to be assassins in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." When they are both given assignments to kill one another, violent hilarity ensues. This one should be great fun for married and dating couples alike, but only under the condition that you're embittered with your partner and think that the only way out is murder. Otherwise, it's just a half-hearted remake of "Kramer vs. Kramer."
This year's offering is sure to satisfy America's A-list celebrity thirst, as the industry is lobbing major motion picture deals at genres across the board.
On May 6, Orlando Bloom returns to the costume chair in Ridley Scott's epic 12th century motion picture, "Kingdom of Heaven." In this movie, Bloom will play a young warrior who discovers that he is the heir to the throne of France. Since this is Bloom's 423rd historical epic, he will try to refresh his role by shedding his supporting actor's skin and taking the lead, which means that his immeasurable range of sad puppy dog expressions will be in full effect with no leading star to filter out its tremendous power of somberness. Even the gallant throws of epic warfare cannot dissuade Bloom's ever growing power of sedation. Paying to see this film is the same as paying for a hard night's sleep. Pleasant dreams.
On May 19, George Lucas' series finally comes full circle and kicks him right in the pants. "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" promises so much digital jelly that it will ooze out your ears. However, there are light sabers involved which will undoubtedly make it the biggest movie of the year. I think that all movies should require the use of a light saber at some point. If Lindsay Lohan would carry one in the new Herby the Love Bug movie ("Herbie: Fully Loaded" opening June 24 for those interested) then I would be the first in line.
On June 10, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are a married couple who both happen to be assassins in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." When they are both given assignments to kill one another, violent hilarity ensues. This one should be great fun for married and dating couples alike, but only under the condition that you're embittered with your partner and think that the only way out is murder. Otherwise, it's just a half-hearted remake of "Kramer vs. Kramer."
