Colonnade

Because Sarah Palin didn't implode last Friday night at the Vice Presidential Debate-rambled incoherently, yes, spoke in "glittering generalities" (as a former opponent put it), yes, blatantly dodged more than half of Gwen Ifill's questions, yes, and sprinkled her responses (not answers) with winks and folksy idioms instead of actual plans, facts, or specifics of any kind, yes. No, her body did not physically burst inward-some conservative heads are sighing relief and talking themselves back off the ledge and into this train-wreck of a candidate.

Well, allow me to put things back into their grim perspective. David Brooks etc., consider this the voice of reason. I recently compared Sarah Palin's Vice Presidential credentials regarding seven key issues to those of her Saturday Night Live impersonator-Tina Fey, a writer and actress with zero political experience.

What follows is a factual and disturbing tale of the tape that places the McCain-Palin ticket in a very dangerous context…
1) Clean Energy/The Environment: Sarah Palin fights to keep polar bears off the Endangered Species list, refuses to acknowledge man's primary responsibility in global warming, has a near-sexual infatuation with oil pipelines, and everywhere she goes, crowds erupt in chants of "Drill, baby, drill!" Tina Fey drives a hybrid. Edge: Fey

2) Educational Background: Sarah Palin attended eleven different colleges (okay, it was five) before eventually attaining a B.S. from the University of Idaho. Her degree is in Communications, which, frankly, is shocking. Tina Fey spent four years at the prestigious University of Virginia (annually ranked as the country's No. 1 or No. 2 Public University by U.S. News & World Report) before earning a B.A. in Drama, a degree she has put to use literally every day since. Edge: Fey

3) Executive Experience: Sarah Palin got her start as the mayor of Wasilla, a town one-third the size of Milledgeville with roughly the same population as the GCSU student body. Since then, she has spent 19 months as the first female governor of a state so incredibly backwards that for five months out of the year, night is actually day. Tina Fey became the first female head writer of SNL and spent nine years there before leaving to create, executive produce, write for and star in her own sitcom-30 Rock-which has garnered her four Emmys for acting and writing. Edge: Draw

4) Foreign Policy: Sarah Palin has never stepped foot outside North America. Tina Fey almost assuredly has, and in 2007 was chosen as one of Time's 100 People Who Shape Our World. It's also worth noting that New York shares a medium-sized maritime border with Portugal. Edge: Fey

5) International Appeal: Sarah Palin has wasted no time in becoming a running joke abroad and not only reinforcing every negative stereotype Europeans have about Americans, but also generating a couple new ones. Tina Fey has received worldwide acclaim for her frighteningly accurate portrayal of Sarah Palin. Edge: Fey

6) Multitasking: Sarah Palin managed to strike a balance between her large family and larger governing duties, but in order to do so she spent over half her time 'in office' at her home in Wasilla, 600 miles away from the governor's mansion. Tina Fey juggles her budding movie career, myriad of 30 Rock duties, and now-weekly SNL appearances with tending to her small, adorable family. She recently inked a book deal, and last we checked her unmarried, underage daughter hadn't been impregnated or posted pictures of herself getting drunk on the Internet. (Granted, she is only three.) Edge: Fey*

*You may be thinking, Wait a second, balancing a family and a career is something millions of working women do every day. That doesn't qualify someone to be Vice President of the United States. You know what? You're absolutely right.


7) Understanding of Mainstream America: Sarah Palin keeps harping on her connection to Joe Sixpack and his League of Ordinary Americans, but she has spent almost her entire life 2,000 miles north of the continental US, in a state so scarcely inhabited that it ranks first in the country in size, 47th in population, and (naturally) dead last in density. Combined with its lack of income and sales tax, one could make the argument that Alaska has yet to be colonized. Tina Fey grew up in suburban Pennsylvania, attended college in the heart of Virginia, lived in Chicago for five years after graduation, and has since settled in New York City-economic capital, target of the 9/11 attacks and a city with a population 12 times that of Alaska. As head writer of a nationally syndicated television series, it's Fey's job to know what Americans want, then give it to them. Edge: Fey

FINAL SCORE: Tina Fey 6, Sarah Palin 0
(Okay, this wasn't really a fair fight. Anyone with a bachelor's degree and a firm grip on reality could skunk Palin.)